Reflections of This High Holiday Season

Shortly before Rosh Hashanah, I had an email exchange with a dear friend and colleague. An organization to which we belong is preparing to engage in a discussion of guiding principles behind some of its practices. My friend articulated the specific steps that would guide this process of re-examination and asked for comments. I responded by sharing that I had once belonged to a 12-step group in which the discussion leader frequently used the phrase “the best of me connects with the best of you.” My friend's leadership in clearly articulating the respectful process to be used, I said, would allow the best in each of the participants in the discussions to rise to the occasion.

He responded by thanking me for my comments and then posed the following:

“I have to admit it sometimes feels harder to maintain my equanimity. Maybe I’m getting older and have been doing this too long??”

There have been several instances in the last year, where I’ve found myself asking the same question. The same – or similar – issues seem to recur in a variety of setting. The first time the situation comes up and I’m called upon to provide the guidance (generally in the form of establishing a process for the resolution of the issue), I’m able to do so with a sense of calmness and patience as we (the group and I) establish the ground rules for discourse, decision-making, resolution, whatever. By the fifth or sixth time a variation on the same theme occurs, a change in my response occurs:

• I find myself making certain basic assumptions about the process and group interactions – and assume that we’re all starting at the same place.
• I am less likely to explain the guiding principles that have informed and shaped the recommendations I’m making.
• My explanations become a little more clipped – my tone a little more abrupt.
• I feel a sense of weariness, frustration, sometimes futility - and I begin to wonder if it's worth it.

And, like my friend, I begin to wonder if the difficulty in retaining my sense of balance is because I’m getting older and have been doing this too long?

So, his question rang true.

Coming, as it did, right before the beginning of the ten days of introspection between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, I’ve found myself reflecting on it frequently. I didn’t answer then, but here’s what I’d say now:

“Too long” is hard to define. I think there comes a point at which the guidance we’re being asked to provide is so second-nature to us that we forget that many of the people we work with have not reached that point of automaticity in their problem-solving responses. Especially when we end up working with the same group of people (or similar groups of people), we expect that because we’ve laid out the information before – they get it. They remember. They’ve seen it work. Our street “cred” is good. It hardly bears repeating.

What we forget is that even when the organizations are the same, the people we’re interacting with at this point are not. They may not have participated in earlier problem-solving opportunities – either because they weren’t part of the group then, or because it wasn’t “their” issue.

What we forget is that in many environments or cultures (workplace or volunteer), the goal is “winning” – not necessarily coming up with a solution that “everyone can live with.”

What we forget is that often the goal of so-called “discussions” is really to convince others of the rightness of our viewpoint, instead of encouraging individuals to really listen and hear what the other is saying.

Perhaps part of the solution might be to recognize what we forget. Another part might be to try and approach repeating situations as new. Yet a third part might involve finding someone safe to discretely vent to – without a safety valve, it’s hard to prevent frustration from seeping out. Another suggestion might be to remind ourselves that our approaches have resulted in positive outcomes in the past – and that the guidance we provide helps keep the discussion focused on the issues instead of deteriorating into personalities.

And part of it might be forgiving ourselves when we feel frustrated or impatient. And remembering that feeling impatient is different from acting impatiently.

May the year ahead be filled with blessings and growth for all of us.

Jewish Values for VBDM

One of the initial challenges for me in Values-Based Decision Making (VBDM) was that I frequently considered only a few values. Obviously, they were the ones I was most familiar with.

When my Rabbinic colleague began to teach me this process, I shared that dilemma with him. He generously shared a list of Jewish Values and Concepts that he had compiled. While it doesn't include all 614 mitzvot / commandments -- it's an excellent beginning.

Personally, I also found it helpful to use the Hebrew names for the mitzvot and middot / values. If you've ever studied a foreign language, you know that concepts don't always have an exact equivalent from one language to another. Using the Hebrew reminds me of two things:

1. The translation may not be exact and often needs explanation
2. VBDM is sacred work.

Values-Based Decision Making has taught me to mindfully make decisions which hopefully end up benefitting my community. Interestingly enough, sometime the end result is not the same solution I would have reached if I followed my first instinct.

[NOTE: if the link gives you problems, here's the roundabout way to get the list:

1. Go to my website -- http://www.morahmaryconsulting.com/
2. Click on "Links to Learning"
3. Scroll down to Jewish Values
4. Click on the embedded link and the file should pop up. If not, please let me know]

Values Based Decision Making

Decisions: we make them all the time.

Some are relatively straightforward and take little deliberation to arrive at an appropriate response.

As teachers: May I go to the bathroom? * Can I do the art project first? * Can Josh and I work together?

As directors: Can you buy this CD for my class? * Do I have to attend the workshop next week? *Can I have an extension on the due date for the report cards?

Others issues are more complex.

For teachers: Classroom behavioral issues that impede the learning process * Whether to take advantage of “the teachable moment” – and if so, how – or to stick with the planned lesson and objectives * How to balance individual student needs with the needs of the entire class

For directors: Instituting a new policy or procedure * Addressing school-wide (program-wide) behavioral issues * Allocation of scarce resources * Staffing decisions

When I was a school director, I was blessed to be able to work with a rabbi who was gifted in the use of values-based decision making for those “big questions.” Not only did he use that approach in guiding his own decision-making procedures, but he also taught me to intentionally use the same approach.

It becomes complicated since, in many cases, competing values are often involved. Frequently, the process gets short-circuited because we stop at the first value we consider -- the one that's most obvious to us. In a nutshell, the approach I learned from my rabbinic colleague works like this:

1. Define the issue
2. Get as much information as possible.
3. List the values that are involved – as many as you can. If necessary, refresh your memory by looking at a list of Jewish values.
4. Determine how each value will impact the outcome.
5. Decide which values carry the most weight in this specific situation.
6. Make your decision and share that decision with the individuals/constituency/community that the decision affects, acknowledging the process you engaged in to reach your decision.

I’ve found this very difficult to do in isolation. I need to be able to bounce ideas off a trusted colleague, co-worker, mentor, rabbi, or consultant – depending on the individual situation. These people, over time, have become my “kitchen cabinet” – my behind-the-scenes resources whose collective insights provide me with the wide range of perspectives necessary to make the best decision I can. I’ve learned to be grateful for the advice they provide – and to be willing to take the time to be part of their “kitchen cabinets.” It’s mutually sustaining and benefits the students and teachers we individually work with.

Many communities use VBDM in making communal decisions. Many Reconstructionist communities use it explicitly. When I typed “values based decision making” into the Yahoo search engine, there were only three Jewish references that appeared in the first 20 entries on the list that popped up. The first two are from the Chapel Hill Kehillah in North Carolina. Kol HaKavod (“All the Honor”) to Chapel Hill Kehillah and their leadership, some of whom I’ve had the privilege of working with on Jewish educational issues. For a clear example of the way they use their process, I urge you to check out their link on Values Based Decision Making.

(The other entry is from the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College, in an article entitled "A Chaplain's Guide to Values-Based Decision Making" by Rabbi David A. Tuetsch, which is also cited as a source by the CHK).

It's not an automatic, easy-to-use process when one first begins. If it was, we'd all be making decisions this way, wouldn't we? But the benefit is profound -- both to us as individuals and to those with whom we work.